SAN FRANCISCO — Nationwide, college students home for the holidays have dared to attempt one of the bravest and horniest activities known to humankind. Psychologists …
I Lived It: I Got Lost Exiting Main Stacks and Somehow Surfaced at Shen Yun 2018
I remember it like it was yesterday. I had done a couple of hours’ worth of work in Main Stacks (like a champ) and was …
HBOMax Brings Back Smallpox for Special One-Time Thanksgiving Reunion
NEW YORK — HBOMax has announced smallpox as the latest recipient of a 2020s reunion and popularity resurgence. “We’re excited to bring Thanksgiving back to …
Garbers Comes Out Against Testing, Including His English Final
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a difficult-to-parse Twitter rant posted earlier today, Berkeley quarterback Chase Garbers came out against both COVID testing and, for some reason, …
Report: Kindles Are Actually Very Cool and the People Who Use Them Have a Ton of Sex
BERKELEY, Calif. – A new, highly factual study has emerged illustrating that the elite few who read using Kindles are actually very cool and have …
Halloweekend Lineup to Include ‘Super Hot Chicks and Culturally Appropriating Dicks’ Party
BERKELEY, Calif. – After a long-winded brainstorm session, the Berkeley Interfraternity Council came to the exciting conclusion that “Super Hot Chicks and Culturally Appropriating Dicks”-themed …
Society Finally Sexualizing Asian Men Due to Fictional Game Where They All End Up Dead
LOS ANGELES — Thanks to the sensational worldwide Netflix hit Squid Game, our society has completed a full 180, effectively putting an end to the …
Berkeley Student Well-Being Emails to Remind You That You Are a Piece of Shit
New this week: Why Being Not a Fucking Piece of Shit Is the Latest Self-Care Trend
Have you ever woken up and thought to yourself, “Wow, I’m a Piece of Shit!”? Well, we experts at Berkeley Student Well-Being know. We’re here to tell you that that one missing piece of your self care routine is NOT using facemasks, NOT increasing general hygiene, NOT regular teeth brushing, NOT wiping thoroughly, but rather just: trying harder to NOT be a Piece of Shit. JFC. It’s not that hard (neither the process nor the shit itself!)
Mercury is in Retrograde, Which is Why You’ve Been A Piece of Shit For 21 Years
People across the nation are losing their shit.
“During retrograde, a lot of our everyday communication is disrupted,” explained Tigerlily Adams, caucasian yoga instructor and probable anti-vaxxer. “Like, when this undercover cop asked me if I sold shrooms to college kids, I assumed he was in college because that guy looked like a fucking virgin, so I said yes.” Tigerlily is currently under arrest for distribution of drugs to minors, but Tigerlily said “that’s just the way retrograde goes.”
Don’t Tell Prof. Reich: Capitalism is Only Okay When I’m Fucking a Hot Capitalist
If my Wealth and Poverty class has taught me anything, it’s that capitalism sucks and we should have all sucked Karl Marx’s dick when we had the chance. For the most part, I’m in total agreement, but it’s just so hard to hate capitalism when I’m gettin’ it good from a straight-neck, Patagonia-wearing, ripping-hot motherfucker on the Haas-to-heathen pipeline.