BERKELEY, Calif. — After weeks of emails about how to eat vegetables and walk your Roomba, an anonymous source has leaked plans for this week’s Berkeley Student Well-Being emails. The excerpt reads:

New this week: Why Being Not a Fucking Piece of Shit Is the Latest Self-Care Trend

Have you ever woken up and thought to yourself, “Wow, I’m a Piece of Shit!”? Well, we experts at Berkeley Student Well-Being know. We’re here to tell you that that one missing piece of your self care routine is NOT using facemasks, NOT increasing general hygiene, NOT regular teeth brushing, NOT wiping thoroughly, but rather just: trying harder to NOT be a Piece of Shit. JFC. It’s not that hard (neither the process nor the shit itself!) 

And sure, you might be wondering how we’re so attuned to the dark intricacies of your inner psyche. How do we know everything that constitutes your self-worth? Listen hear, dipshit: you go to UC-fucking-Berkeley. You might think you’re a needle in the haystack of pieces of shits. But you’re not special. You’re all the stinkin’ same.  

But, you know one way you CAN make yourself special… You guessed it! Have you considered not being a motherfucking Piece of Shit? 

Further leaks suggest that the emails will also provide advice on “How to Give Us Your Lunch Money.”

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