We all know SUPERB. We know how intimidating they can be with their special monogrammed windbreakers. And most of all, we know that when we see that sleek black jacket and pair of Doc Martens walking towards us, we can only hope that our clothes are waterproof. For all those who have been or live in constant fear of getting spat on, here’s a list of the SUPERB committees most likely to spit on you.
Do you know how expensive those cameras are!? One rogue glob could set the organization back hundreds of dollars! Because of this, the SUPERB photographers are pretty much stuck in a No-Spit Commit (like a chastity vow, but for spitting!), putting them at the bottom of this list.
Marketing is all about making a sale, and they sure know that spit is not cool, fun, or sexy (yes, I’m kinkshaming). Therefore, this committee has no reason to be spitting at people. In fact, this committee works day and night to silence anyone who might have succumbed to a swath of SUPERB saliva.
- General Management
Now I know that we expect those at the top of the SUPERB loog-chain to be the fiercest spitters of all, but you can rest easy around a General Manager. These head honchos are too busy spitting on all the other members to keep them in check, so they have no drool left for normies like us.
- Art & Design
The Art & Design folk are usually pretty docile, and refrain from spitting to preserve their work’s aesthetic. However, when it’s time to watercolor, you better run as fast as you can because anyone in the vicinity will be hit by a Category 5 SpitStorm.
While they might seem like light spitters, the Concerts committee members sure know how to turn a mosh pit into a mosh spit. The danger posed by their powerful expectorations gives you one more reason to avoid wearing nice shoes to a concert.
There’s nothing funnier than a spit-take, and SUPERB comedy knows just how true that can be. The department members can’t wait to run up and douse you, sitcom style. Be extra careful when you spot one of them with a coffee, soda, or Hydroflask.
Those in SUPERB Games committee know how to take the spitting one step further: by making it a game in itself. These high-frequency hoickers will spit at every spare moment they can to rack up some points. When you see an organization member add a tally after getting you, you know you’ve been globbed by a Gamer.
This one is pretty self explanatory. Films members know that they are on the frontier of culture, and will not hesitate to give you a warm reminder about how stuck in the times you are. An attack from one of them can be quite humiliating, so it’s a sound idea to invest in some A24 merch to disguise as one of them and protect yourself.
- Sneak Previews
See everything written for “Films, ” but throw in the element of surprise. The Sneak Preview’s Sucker-Spittle ability is a powerful tool that can get you at your most safe, so never let your guard down. Still, these terrifying young adults are bested by one other committee…
When you mix the edge and prestige of SUPERB with some technological know-how, you create a froth monster with a very bright future. These future untouchables know that no one is safe from their onslaught, so they walk around fully-loaded with phlegm, ready to let loose on each person who crosses their path. Getting spat on by a Web member is inevitable, but to save face after such a traumatic experience, remember WEB: Walk Extra Bravely.