Word is in guys: Sacramento is super important. I mean this state, this country, couldn’t function without the socio-economic powerhouse that is Sac-town. You know that band Cake that your dad really likes? Yep – they’re from Sacramento. Ladybird, the movie that every girl in every English class you have ever been in is obsessed with? That’s right: takes place in Sacramento. The hometown of that author that all your pretentious Rhetoric major friends quote a lot? Once again you have guessed correctly: Joan Didion is indeed from Sacramento. See? Super relevant town. Brenda Song is from Sacramento; London Tipton was obviously based on the opulence that is the “great Jewel of the West”… if that jewel was the cubic zirconia to SF’s diamond

Some might describe Sacramento as “the midwest of California”, which is obviously false: at least in the Midwest you have some great sports teams. But since when do the Kings need to win a game to be a champion team – what? Since always? 

I mean everyone says “Los Angeles is the center of California culture” or “the Bay Area is the real California.” Oh yeah? Well I can go egg Gavin Newsom’s mansion. That’s the best influence on local politics you could ever get! Plus, those other cities are so expensive. I mean, is it really worth the premium just for access to beaches, universities, concerts, job prospects and things to do besides drink in your free time? Obviously not – hunker down in Sac with your $400 rent and $800 bar tab. 

Sacramento may be the Walmart version of the Bay Area, but it doesn’t need all that glitz and glam to stand out. The Golden Gate Bridge? Who needs it! Sacramento has a bridge. You’re not special. Hollywood Walk of Fame? Sacramento has sidewalks too, in some areas. Golden Gate Park? We have a river. And it’s not like that piss gutter that runs through LA – we have an actual riverbank: the waterfront, a beautiful stretch of concrete next to the river that totally will not give you E. coli if you swim in it.  Yes it’s probably more polluted than the LA river from years of mercury-blasting the Sierra Nevada foothills for even a micron of gold, but nobody’s perfect, you know? So what if you could use the Sacramento River water as embalming fluid?

You know what people picture when they think California: surfers, palm trees, and the beautiful coast. Let’s not give Sacramento any urban dysmorphia! Set some expectations for what a REAL city should look like: Bus stops, liquor stores, and a completely unwalkable, inhospitable and alien terrain; these are just as alluring, right? 

You know it, I know it – the California city is sunny Sacramento. No matter what people tell you, no matter what statistics, economic factors, cultural icons, practical solutions, Sacramento Bee articles, or basic common sense you’re presented with, remember that Sacramento is the capital for a reason. Though honestly I don’t know the reason either…

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