PHILADELPHIA – As polling places shuttered Tuesday night, political analysts emerged with a consensus; “celebrity” “doctor” Mehmet Oz had been trounced in the contest for the US Senate. What pushed Fetterman over the edge? Experts say “a surge in… apples.”
“It is an established fact that by far the most effective strategy for keeping a doctor away is, in fact, consuming an apple per day,” explained chief Democratic strategist Glenn Dale. “So we said, ‘You know what? If we’re going to get the first person with a goatee elected to the Senate, we need to think outside the box.’ So we thought outside the box but inside the crate: a crate of apples. Get it? Pretty clever right? Yeah, the Democratic Party pays me $4,500,700 a year to consult.”
Widespread reports indicated that all the apple orchards in Pennsylvania were picked bare in the days leading up to the election.
“I haven’t had a harvest sell this fast since the iPhone 13 came out and parents accidentally went for the wrong ‘Apple,’” attested Harrisburg orchard owner Lou Gneytoohns. “Democrats came out here and bought a bunch of apples, said that they were goin’ to ‘put them in front of the state house so Oz couldn’t get in.”
When reached for comment, Fetterman’s chief burn-writer Hugh Morusburn was forthcoming in recounting the play-by-play of how Oz was defeated.
“Who, ‘Doctor’ Ooze? The Bastard of Oz? Oh yeah, we appled him big time. I mean it was simple – the moment we delivered the gift basket full of Pink Delicious and Fujis, he scampered right off back to New Jersey. You know, the state that he’s actually from? I mean everyone knows that by law, anyone who goes by the title ‘doctor,’ even quack ‘doctors’ like Oz, are physically repulsed by them.”
At press time, Oz’s campaign staff requested to “leave them alone” and to “get those apple-loving freaks as far away from New Jersey as possible.”