PHILADELPHIA – As election results came in Wednesday morning to determine whether a renowned TV celebrity, and lesser known doctor, Dr. Oz, would beat John Fetterman, some Pennsylvania experts developed plausible theories as to how Dr. Oz could have won the Pennsylvania election.

“For one, he could have not been a doctor,” offered recently proclaimed political scientist and former Sheetz Gas Station cashier, Joe Mosley. “If he were just a regular, sensational TV hotshot who told my wife that she’ll turn into the laughing stock of the PTA if she doesn’t eat solely organic foods and that her husband will return to her if she takes magic weight-loss pills, then I think he could’ve won. Or if he emphasized the fact that he blatantly contradicts any medical findings to actively work against science to make more bank for himself. Better yet, he could have simply stated that he is one of the most successful white men on TV to profit off of housewives’ insecurities.”

Many community members in non-metropolitan counties agreed with him, voicing their opinions via Facebook Minion memes and Twitter spam. “We don’t need more doctors telling us what to do. We just want Walmart to respect our God-given rights to buy guns from them again.”

Renowned Redner’s employee and Facebook liberal but actual rightist Jessica Fermann summarized her colleagues’ thoughts nicely.

 “I think the best thing he could have done is to simply market himself as a good-ol’-fashioned, gently aging, Republican, white family-man with gusto. If he solely showed his grumpy, disapproving face with a red background and ‘REPUBLICAN’ in all caps as the headline, he could’ve blown Fetterman out of the water. Also, if more unhappy housewives turned up to the polls, they might have beaten out that strange surge of apples.”

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.