BERKELEY, Calif. – In an unforeseen turn of events, yet another group of people who have been treated unfairly now think they deserve to not be treated unfairly.
“Well, yeah,” explained UC Berkeley GSI Kathy Wright. “We are overworked and underpaid, so we’re seeking to end the rent burden, create better health and family benefits, and be treated with respect. The UC system refuses to act lawfully at the bargaining table so here we are, executing the largest academic strike in higher education in U.S. history.”
UC President Michael Drake shared his own thoughts.
“Yes, yes, I hear you. Obviously, I too believe in equality and fundamental human rights. And because of that, we’re literally offering you 4-7% pay increases! That brings you from about $20,000 a year to $30,000 a year. I think that’s pretty solid, and if I were you, I’d be good with it,” said Drake, sitting in his $6.5 million dollar home that the UC system purchased for him. “You ASEs are putting us in a tough spot, striking and messing up our whole system because it literally can’t run without you. Can’t you just stop and accept still-minimal compensation?”
With more comments on the strike is SAE member Mikey Thordson.
“It’s sweet. With all of this strike stuff happening, some of my professors are saying I don’t have to go to class so I don’t have to ‘cross the picket line,’ so basically, I’m on vacation now. It’s really cool when stuff like this happens, like when people have to fight so hard for basic rights that they mobilize a mass movement that totally upturns the system just to get the respect they need, because it means I get to benefit from the movement without actually contributing to it. I’m even thinking I won’t go to my mandatory Greeks Against Sexual Assault training using that ‘picket line’ excuse. This is awesome.”
At press time, it was noted that Solidarity Forever listeners on Spotify have reached an all-time high.