BERKELEY, Calif.— Following a severe failure at crowd control during their Soulja Boy concert last Friday, ASUC SUPERB has promised to update their crowd control policy by only featuring Nickelback at all future SUPERB events.

“We sincerely apologize for booking an artist that people actually wanted to see,” announced ASUC SUPERB spokesperson Gina Andrews in an Instagram post. “We simply did not anticipate that over 900 people would want to attend a concert headlined by a has-been who was last relevant when we were all in first grade, which was a major oversight on our part. To prevent these kinds of enormous crowds from emerging in the future, we will be eliminating our entire spring lineup and only inviting Nickelback to all events we host from now on. This way, we can ensure that the crowd never grows well beyond a few dozen contrarians, your weird uncle, and the 40 or so tasteless souls who actually enjoy Nickelback’s music.”

Upon hearing the news, some students were left confused and scratching their heads.

“Who?” said junior Max Freemont when asked whether or not he would be attending the future Nickelback concerts.

However, Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger expressed excitement for the new policy.

“We really need this money, man,” said Chad Kroeger’s agent and spokesperson, Chad Kroeger, in an official press release. “It was either this or a two-month residency at Morongo Casino & Resort. The decision was a tough one, but SUPERB offered us two drink-tickets a night, the exact amount of liquor we need to have the confidence to keep performing Nu Metal in 2023.”

B-Side, in a surprising turn of events, released its own memo in support of the decision:

“At B-Side, our modus operandi is to uplift otherwise unheard voices in music. And trust me, it doesn’t get more unheard than Nickelback. Not on the radio, not at the club, not even in a TJ Maxx dressing room. Consequently, it is our solemn duty to place full support behind the Nickelback concert series.”

At press time, SUPERB was discussing diversifying their event portfolio by also featuring stand-up comedy performances from Brendan Schaub.

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