BERKELEY, Calif.– Following Friday’s horrific Soulja Boy crowd-crush, many among the student body have raised serious questions surrounding the planning of the concert. With Pauley Ballroom unable to hold even the planned 900-person crowd, and a dangerous throng amassing outside, many have posed the question: Does SUPERB know about our massive outdoor Greek Theater?
One SUPERB staff member who agreed to an interview, Maya Vory-Tower, was perplexed by the existence of the venue. “Greek Theater?” repeated a puzzled Vory-Tower, “But we’re not in Greece – We’re in Berkeley. We chose Pauley Ballroom for a reason, too; the fire marshal told us specifically ‘you do not have the capacity for a 900-person crowd, you really need more room’ so we found a venue with ‘room’ in the name!”
SUPERB concert-coordinator Will Stirredspear, was equally perplexed by the line of questioning.
“ASUC has very strict bylaws for spending uses. For example, you can’t use grant money to buy food for clubs, or stickers to sell, or to rent out a venue that can adequately fit a large crowd. Anyway, price was a huge factor. Pauley Ballroom was a steal. In fact, it would have cost us a whole $300 more to rent the Greek Theater. Raising those funds would have taken a Herculean effort – like tabling and selling merch for a couple days.”
One involved party, the office of ASUC Senator Richard Lycker, explained further the justification for the choice of venue:
“See, the Greek Theater just gets so chilly at night, and we know that it would totally mess up people’s fits if they have to wear a sweater. Plus, it’s so hard to style the free SUPERB totes with so many different layers! So naturally, we decided on a venue where the heat of hundreds of moshing bodies would insulate the crowd. Thankfully, nobody at all was left outside in the cold! Yep, nobody left outside, crushed in the chilly evening! Nobody.”
At press time, SUPERB posted an official statement to their Instagram account, LinkedIn, and ZeeMee:
“We take full responsibility for the mess last night. More specifically, we take full responsibility, and shift it to somebody else. Maybe it was the administration’s fault? Either way, how were we supposed to know that there was a massive, empty amphitheater on campus, that is constantly used, and has capacity for almost ten-times the amount of people?”