BERKELEY, Calif.—In a disheartening turn of events, a local mayfly was born at 11:59 PM this Sunday, all but ensuring that it will live out the entirety of its 24-hour existence on a Monday.

“There are fates worse than death, and this is one of them,” explained entomologist and mayfly welfare enthusiast Garfield Garfield, who hasn’t experienced death yet and seems to lack the credentials necessary to make this bold claim. “I wish I could help the little guy out, I really do, but I am afraid there is nothing to be done. Perhaps with a bit of effort and the right environmental conditions, the mayfly will make it to Tuesday morning, but at what cost? Forced to endure the living Hell that is the first day of the work week…to have its soul slowly but effectively crushed by the relentless gears of corporate capitalism? And all of this just to lick the unwashed taint of a slightly-less-shitty day? It’s probably best to just squish the poor thing right now and relieve it of its misery.”

The mayfly’s employer has expressed similar dismay over the mayfly’s tragically mistimed existence.

“It sucks that Herb[sic; the mayfly’s coworkers refer to it by this name and also give it he/him pronouns for unknown reasons] will be dead by Tuesday, but I guess that’s the risk you take when you hire at-will employees,” said the operating manager of UltraLite Health Insurance, Arthur McDuggins. “Herb’s a good worker and I’ll be sad to see him go, but hey, things could’ve been worse. He could’ve been born on a Saturday, and then his life would’ve meant nothing. Right now, his life means that the company earns an extra $16,540, which is a pretty good return for a business day.”

The mayfly’s coworkers worry that its upcoming demise means that it will miss out on many of the finer things in life.

“When I heard that Herb was dying tomorrow, I just couldn’t believe it,” said the mayfly’s colleague and self-proclaimed ‘best bud’ Colin Rosenthal. “I mean, gee whiz! Monday? What a terrible day to live out your entire existence! There are so many wonderful things that he will never live to see or do. Like Friday night drinks with the boys… or Saturday night drinks with the boys…” Rosenthal appeared to lose his train of thought. “… yeah, that’s about all I can think of.”

At press time, the mayfly was hard at work denying people healthcare coverage in the hope that one day its great-great-great-grandchildren would be able to enjoy Friday night drinks with Rosenthal and the boys.

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