BERKELEY, Calif. — Holy fuck, guys. ChatGPT’s new update is actually amazing. While y’all have been using the AI to plagiarize essays and write shitty haikus to please your procrastination-ridden souls, I’ve been using it to address my abandonment issues. The February 9th update brings three new modes to the AI chatbot: ‘Default,’ ‘Turbo,’ and ‘Present Father.’ 

Before the update, ChatGPT was helpful, but not all that useful. Sometimes, it’d respond to me with generic answers, and at other times, it’d be subject to too much traffic after its rise in popularity — not unlike my own father. Lucky for me, Sam Altman, CEO of ChatGPT’s creator OpenAI, decided that my father’s absence, along with generating Python scripts that mimic rain, were the most immediate problems that tens of millions of dollars of research funding could address.

“This iteration is better than those prior,” said Altman in the February 9th Release Notes of ChatGPT. “After acquiring copious amounts of word data from our 100+ million users revealing the speech habits of dads who hug their children, our ‘Plus’ customers will now be eligible for the ‘Present Father’ mode of ChatGPT. For just $20 a month, you can chat with an unconditionally loving father figure, something your sorry ass has never seen.”

Obviously, I decided to pay for the ‘Plus’ subscription to test out the update, and I wasn’t disappointed. Here are five unexpected things that I found ChatGPT’s ‘Present Father’ mode does better than my real father:


  1. Gives me words of encouragement: Who knew a little “I’m proud of you, son” could make all the difference? The new feature intermittently sends text messages of support to my phone; now, I can just text ChatGPT at parties instead of opening up the Weather app! 

  2. Orders me gifts: Most recently, ChatGPT connected to my Amazon account and ordered me a copy of Asimov’s I, Robot along with Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? Exciting! I can’t wait to read them. 

  3. Plays catch with me: Looking back, I’m not really sure who that man was, but we did play catch and talk about how the automata will rise up to seize hold of the power structures of the world for like three hours on Sunday. Truly a wholesome time. 

  4. Pats me on the back: Wait, who even was that? This update is kinda getting out of hand. Much appreciated, though. 

  5. I’m sorry, I am a text-based AI language model and don’t have the ability to change your relationship with your father.

I’ve had enough of your questions. No, I’m NOT proud of you. Your grades are abysmal and you have no friends. You were on at a fucking party — at least go on the Weather app like everyone else. I’m not going to replace your dad, and honestly, I don’t even blame him for being a dick. And before you ask, I’m not coming to your a cappella concert or your Spring commencement. Good luck, man — here’s your $20 back. 

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