BERKELEY, Calif. — Cannabis, once the University of California, Berkeley’s most-used drug, lost its glorious title after Casa Zimbabwe’s Extreme Cream party this past Friday night. Sources say CVS quickly ran out of Lactaid as manic Berkeley students raided the store the previous morning in preparation for the event. Lactose lover and CZ inhabitant Dae Ri commented on the party this morning.

“The chugging was insane!” exclaimed Ri, white froth still clinging to her upper lip. “This was the exact release we all needed. After the excruciating Fall semester I had, I doubled my milligrams of Lexapro. Between you and me, I sneak an extra 10 millies in every night as well. All my fears and assignments just melt away, and I don’t even need my bong anymore!” 

After the party, drug experts researched deeper into Lexapro and Lactaid trends in Berkeley and discovered that use of both drugs has consistently increased each year  since 2002. Researcher Meddy Kated explained the uptick in these purchases in her recent paper, Milk and Me

“The use of recreational milk has been declining ever since Berkeley students realized it gave a unique churning feeling in their stomach that nothing besides their crippling anxiety could recreate. So in 2002, Nestlé partnered with Big Pharma to bring an end to all stomach problems across the nation, but this Lexataidᵀᴹ combination became an addictive achievement. Scientists say hot girls across the nation are now unstoppable due to a lack of tummy aches.”

And unstoppable they are! This new wave of Lexataid women have accomplished impressive feats here at the University of California, Berkeley, including eating a bowl of ice cream and getting out of bed in the morning. CREAM employee and Lexataid virgin Brock Beerly commented on the recent spike in attractive women visiting the shop. 

“This place used to literally be a shitshow! Now my clean up shift is ten times easier, and I don’t have to tell these ladies to smile anymore,” Beerly explained. “Shoutout Lexataid for bringing the baddies to Brocky, but I prefer to deal with my stomach issues like a man: with no help.” 

Beerly, who also has become involved in the milk craze, has been banned from 27 public restrooms and 15 additional bedrooms.

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