BERKELEY, Calif.– No inconvenience is more obstructive to the average student than the loss of their Clipper Card, which effectively amputates them from the loci of student life: the College Ave. Trader Joes, the University Ave. Trader Joes, and the entire route of the 51b. Having been a victim of this unfortunate fate myself, I’ve compiled four phone numbers to call in the event that you lose your Clipper Card that will tell you to “go fuck yourself.” 

  1. The Clipper Customer Service Number: (877) 878–8883

You’re in luck; if you’re looking for somebody to tell you to “fuck yourself sideways with a rake,” this is the right number for you. It doesn’t matter what protests you put forth – if you don’t have the card number, you aren’t getting any help. How could you have the card number if you don’t have the card? The answer is succinct: “go fuck yourself.”

2. The Student Transportation Office: (510) 643-7701

Don’t be fooled by the name– like Voltaire said, “This office is neither for students, nor transportation, nor an office.” There is no telling what response you’ll get – they might replace your lost card, but not without a $25 fee that completely negates the notion of a free bus pass. And if you complain? There’s a tried and true response that they’re not afraid to roll out: “go fuck yourself.”

3. My Housemate: (555) 555-5555:

Looking to be told to “fuck yourself?” Look no further. My Roommate knows that there is no sentence that can’t be made funny by that evergreen response. Major news? “Go fuck yourself.” Something that interests you? “Go fuck yourself.” Lost your Clipper Card? “Go fuck yourself.”

4. The Cafe You Think You Lost It At: 1(800) FUCK–YOU

As a Berkeley student, there’s a non-zero chance that you are, in every waking moment not spent in class, in one of our campus’ dozens of near-identical cafes. Naturally, you might have left your card at one of these locales, and consequently may call and ask if they’ve found any lost cards. But you’re out of luck, and the only response the barista has time to give is “you’re not ordering? Well then how about you go fuck yourself with a no-foam almond milk macchiato for Mike.” 

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.