BERKELEY, Calif. — “I’ll need to see some ID, please,” asserts Berkeley’s latest addition, Kip’s bouncer Chuck O’Hare. He stands brazen, shielding Moffitt Library’s main entrance 24 hours per day; his mission: to keep at bay those delinquent youths seeking illicit education in uncomfortable blue airport-gate-esque chairs, and to safeguard the vast amounts of knowledge within Moffitt Library’s five floors of napping students and loose charging ports.
“We realized campus has seen an uptick in increasingly unsafe and transgressive behavior,” commented Chancellor Christ on O’Hare’s addition to Library staff. “Given that it would be disastrous to our community if a mere 16-year old or some lowlife from literally any other university entered to steal…things… or overhear a confidential conversation about Physics 7B, we decided to add Mr. O’Hare to our existing detail of two security staff per floor.”
When asked about adding security measures to more bustling and accessible entry points to campus such as Sproul and MLK Student Union, Christ claimed that she would “rather protect students’ Moffitt seats from being stolen than anything else of value.” The bolstered Library security detail, dubbed “The Disciples,” aren’t foolproof, though. Students of lesser-known universities such as Harvard and MIT have been reportedly acquiring fake IDs to play hide and seek in Main Stacks’ cascading antique bookshelves, and participate in academic zeniths like the Naked Run.
“I was just visiting your business school for a conference – which, by the way, feels like a campus-building-equivalent of a child distancing themselves from problematic parents,” said Harvard student Emily Beay. “All of a sudden, a little gremlin who said he was born from the Haas Shit Water Flood of ‘22 tried to peddle me a student ID to get into the ‘library of my dreams,’ which, come to find out, doesn’t have any books?”
The little gremlin has been supplying others with fake student IDs as well, mainly targeting underaged students from Berkeley High who may not be suited for the aroma of academic defeat found throughout Moffitt.
“I was just trying to use the printer,” said one such unnamed student who was caught under the fake ID pseudonym ‘Mike Oxmall’ and escorted from the premises by O’Hare.
While some students have been offended by O’Hare’s refusal to let them into Moffitt for the sake of “maintaining the ratio,” The Disciples have been widely regarded as a welcome fulfillment of Berkeley’s promises concerning increased campus safety.