SEATTLE, W.A. – It’s a pumpkin-spice time of year, and as Starbucks’ Bored-Ass Directors attempt to single handedly tackle racism and injustice again, they turn to their newly-appointed CEO, Laxman Narasimhan, for guidance in addressing the cultural significance of the Chai Tea Latte, a drink consumed by tens of Indians across the world, by renaming it.

“It was when I attempted to order a Chai Tea Latte in front of my elderly and confused Maharashtran parents that I realized we had a problem,” said Narasimhan. “The name wasn’t clear and inviting enough. Was I ordering chai, tea, or a latte? Was tea not chai? The name was so circular that my father had to sit down and process.” 

In the spirit of inclusion, Narasimhan tasked Starbucks’ resident namer, Jørgensen Bjørn-Vaffelkogle (known for intuitive names such as the “Double Ristretto with Iced Vanilla Double Shot and Organic Chocolate Brownie Decaf” and the “Iced Brown Sugar Oat Milk Shaken Espresso”), with the renaming of the drink.

“I like to give names that really make you think about what you are ordering. If it doesn’t feel like you’re balancing the chemical equation Fe + C12= FeCl3 every time you order a drink, I have failed you,” said Bjørn-Vaffelkogle in Starbucks’ latest press release. “I could easily see why the Chai Tea Latte needed a renaming—it was simply not descriptive and redundant enough. ”

An initial testing group composed of students from Harvard showcased an overwhelming success in the new company strategy aimed at making the drink more culturally approachable and accurate.

“I personally feel like ‘Masala Milky Milk’ suits the drink perfectly,” said one student in the testing group. “The ‘Chai Tea Latte’ was a name that evoked nothing but trepidation and sheer panic in my nerves: sometimes I’d go up to the cashier and order a Cow Teeth Laufey or shriek under the burden of too much culture,” remarked the student, visibly shivering at the hypothetical. “Thank GOD it’s changed to something much more approachable and cute. Doesn’t ‘Masala Milky Milk’ just roll off the tongue? ‘Wanna get a Masala Milky Milk?’—that’s something you’d say to a friend as you leave Core Power Yoga.” 

Narasimhan indicates that the company will pursue this avenue of cultural syncretism and is currently working on colloquializing other fusion food products like turmeric and cumin.

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