GULF SHORES, Ala.  — As states like Alabama and Mississippi ban the discussion of ‘divisive topics’ such as ‘not being homophobic’, America’s fragmented and nonuniform education system has been under scrutiny by students, teachers, and lawmakers country-wide. The case of a particular school off the coast of Gulf Shores, Alabama has raised even more concern among educators who believe that many states are neglecting their students in favor of politics and ideologies, citing the decline in student performance metrics.

After reports indicated that this unnamed school of trout had a shocking 0% literacy rate, Dr. Seag Üll, Professor of Education at University of Oslo and author of New York Times bestsellers Spouting Knowledge: The Whales Responsible for RNA Sequencing and The Frogs Behind Wall Street, flew to Gulf Shores to analyze for herself the causes of this phenomenon.

“It was immediately apparent to me,” said Üll in an excerpt from her new book Seeing The Sea, “that there was no meaningful oversight at this school—at all. A student’s day would immediately start with mandatory Aerobics class, an exciting foray from mundanity, I’ll admit. Yet, what clearly made this a subpar secondary school education was the lack of any conventional subjects. 8AM ‘Aerobics’ was followed by 9:30 AM ‘Treading Water’ and 11AM ‘Not Getting Eaten’ classes. It was, after observing just half a day, apparent to me the cause of such a low literacy rate—there were hardly any conventional subjects like Biology or Algebra (this was replaced with ‘Algae, Bruh’). It was even clear that Michelle Obama’s push for healthy meals had never seen the light of day here—lunch consisted of worms and snails!”

In a conversation with Seagrass History teacher Sharon Shelly, Üll found that part of the reason for these atypical subjects was recent Alabamian crackdowns on teachers’ “subjective” classroom teachings. “After Mike got fired for talking about bass and freshwater fish,” said Shelly, “I just didn’t want to risk it. Instead, we watch grass grow for an hour and a half to avoid partisan topics.” Shelly’s students were unresponsive to Üll’s questions as they were preoccupied with a gift from the heavens of a worm on a magic hook.

Dr. Üll continues to work closely with the school of fish, hoping that one day, educational conditions will drastically improve. Meanwhile, you can read more about Dr. Üll’s theories and other case studies (like a poker ring of crustaceans in Maine) in Seeing The Sea, now available in audiobook format.

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