BERKELEY, Calif. – As of 10:00 AM Thursday morning, Michael Josh’s stepbrother and UC President, Michael Drake, approved the unnaming of Moses Hall – citing reasons of Bernard Moses’ publicly known racist and white supremacist views. The University still wishes to recognize and honor Moses’ influence in white-washing every single history and social sciences class he taught on campus starting in 1875, along with his colonialist views through the Department of History and Political Science. While the building has been temporarily renamed to “Philosophy Hall,” the University is currently considering renaming all of the buildings on campus to avoid further self-incurred controversy.
“We really want to keep bad publicity to a minimum and avoid as much turmoil as possible after the disaster of last semester,” reported Michael Drake. “Therefore, we decided the least controversial thing we could do was to remove the names of all the buildings on campus and replace them with numbers. The numbers would be on a scale of how difficult each major is.”
The Free Peach managed to get a copy of a leaked draft of the University’s current ranking system:
- Rhetoric – Words are not our strong suit, so we fully understand the difficulty of rhetoric and in fact hire the worst rhetoric students to write our emails for us.
- Business – Obviously, one of the most difficult and time consuming majors, which is why we allow grade inflation and greater schedule flexibility. Networking through frat parties is important.
- Ancient Egyptian and Near Eastern Art and Archaeology – One of our most popular majors, proven by its placement on the list from Googling “Most common majors at UC Berkeley.” What makes it particularly difficult is how to find a job with this major afterwards.
- Environmental Economics – Do you know how bad paper is for the environment economy? We don’t either.
- Mixology – We understand how making Moscow Mules all day and all night for this degree can be intellectually rigorous and challenging.
- Toxicology – We truly support the creation and continuation of toxicity on this campus.
- Psychology – We also support gaslighting and gatekeeping, but not girlbossing.
- That thing where you play pipe organ for your degree. Dracula studies?
- Any wind instrument in orchestra…
- Cow studies – moo
- Criminology – The study of how to utilize loopholes in the legal system to get away with extra funding and fewer rights for the people.
- Geography – Lower on the difficulty list, obviously. Just read a map.
- Energy engineering – Super easy. You just need a USB-C and you’re good.
“Our other idea was to rank each building based on favoritism from research grants, but we decided difficulty of major would suffice,” concluded Chancellor Carol T. Christ. “We’ll save that for prioritizing the remodeling of buildings and downsizing or removing safe spaces on campus.”