BERKELEY, Calif.– In the most shocking revelation since Sappho having more than just “gal pals,” anthropology researchers found that Homer’s so-called “original” (The Odyssey) was actually just plagiarized from the poetic graffiti in the Doe Library women’s restroom.
“Χαίρετε, είμεθα τόσο ἀπολωλότες. Man is the vainest of all creatures that have their being upon earth. That’s why you need to dump him, girl!” began the original portion, scribbled in different colors of sharpie from evidently different anonymous authors on the side of a bathroom stall. “Be strong, saith my heart; I am a soldier; I have seen worse sights than this midterm. For I have seen all the mermaids, none can speak to me. Men are so quick to blame the gods: they say that we devise their misery. But they themselves– in their depravity– design grief greater than the griefs that fate assigns, such as CS 70. I think I’m in love with my GSI. Bestie, your GSI, like Ares, in his many fits, knows no favorites… But we, in man’s image, have only the mirror to look at. Simply put, you are beautiful. Or something like that, I don’t know, I’m on shrooms xD.”
Many theories arose as to how Homer could have committed this heinous act of plagiarism when he clearly typed his full name on the bCourses Academic Integrity assignment.
“People are just unwilling to accept the truth– that nothing one random dude writes can compare to the collective experience of sad, unmedicated stoners in the girl’s bathroom,” responded Ancient Greek & Roman Studies major and self-identified ‘professional shitter’ Banana Galler, in between bites of spiked Sour Patch Kids. “Trust me, if you ever suffered through Latin 140, you’d understand. These guys were just unoriginal– I mean, none of them were ever eldest daughters. Doctors always listened to them at their appointments, they didn’t have to search for the one other girl in their Civil War seminar to befriend out of necessity… They didn’t even have one period. They have to get stoned to experience even a fraction of the range of emotions I went through in second grade. There’s just a certain limit to creativity when you’ve never had someone tell you to smile more.”
At press time, sources say the British Museum is looking to “borrow” the original restroom stall, in order to add to its collection of art from around the world, all of which was totally taken with permission.