WASHINGTON, D.C. – After weeks of debate regarding President Biden’s mental sharpness and ability to formulate basic sentences without sounding like a 400-year-old corpse, he showed great humility by graciously dropping out just late enough to destroy the entire Democratic Party.
“It takes a strong individual to become president, an even stronger one to realize they are not the best to lead the country at the moment, and the strongest to drop out far too late in the race, wreaking chaos totally unnecessarily,” explained MSNBC correspondent Maude Erate. “I, for one, have the utmost respect for the President and all he has accomplished in his term, from actively killing Gazan children while somehow not pleasing Israel supporters, passively allowing the backrolling of basic human rights, and of course eating his little ice creams while telling vaguely racist anecdotes.”
Vice President Harris, now endorsed by Biden for the Democratic candidacy, spoke about the historic decision.
“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha,” began Harris with her usual uncontrollable laugh. “Do you think Joe just fell out of a malarkey tree? He exists in the context of all the old white moderate democrats before him who have done absolutely nothing to stop the Republican push towards fascism while also actively contributing to it. And as a woman of Black and Indian ancestry, I vow to do basically the same and do nothing to uplift the communities I belong to.”
Republican voter Thum Ohio explained his mixed feelings on Biden dropping out.
“While I’m happy that the disgusting piece of liberal commie shit Joe dropped out, I am disgusted at the idea of a radical extremist Female who is not white challenging God’s greatest gift to earth, MY president Donald Trump,” Ohio explained, while cosplaying being working class in his $100,000 pick-up truck. “I just know that she and the other woke democrats are responsible for brainwashing that innocent, sensitive, 20-year-old white child into trying to kill Trump.”
Following the decision, Biden took a long nap that made people near him genuinely a bit worried.