OLD BAY, Md. — Thousands of crabs marched sideways to the polls Tuesday in order to let their cancrine voices be heard by electing The …
Massive EEG Attached to the United States, Scientists Amazed by Complete Lack of Brain Activity
ZANTHRON, Ullrstar Galaxy– In an exclusive press conference on Zanthron-67, intergalactic scientists revealed their findings on the baffling medical anomaly occurring on planet Nova-3 (commonly …
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WASHINGTON D.C – Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck …
The Free Peach’s 2024 Election Endorsements
BERKELEY, Calif. – With every election season, The Free Peach’s Editorial Board endorses candidates and measures relevant to its readers. Our endorsements rely on thorough …
Considerate Biden Drops Out Only 8 Months Too Late
WASHINGTON, D.C. – After weeks of debate regarding President Biden’s mental sharpness and ability to formulate basic sentences without sounding like a 400-year-old corpse, he …
RECALL ELECTION: Just Check This Box That Says No to Not Never Recalling Newsom and Leave This Other Section Completely Blank and Also
Are you happy with Newsom? Yes? No? There are only two questions on the ballot, but each part requires a multi-step highly-personalized validation process, so make sure to evaluate this ballot with care, or you won’t be fulfilling your God-given right to select an elected official. Want another Democratic governor? Sorry! We have eighteen hundred other Republican candidates lined up for the job that will be placed in a Hunger-Games style lottery to fill Newsom’s position should the election go that way, but definitely don’t fill in that part if you’re a Democrat.