OLD BAY, Md. — Thousands of crabs marched sideways to the polls Tuesday in order to let their cancrine voices be heard by electing The Chef of the Seafood Boil Party to be president, sources with growling stomachs report.
“I believe in The Chef; I like his temperament. He really knows how to run a kitchen, so I imagine he’ll be great at running the country—two positions that are definitely equivalent in scope and nature,” commented one Seafood Boil Party voter Coral Pinchersnapperchomperton. “Am I worried about his promises of stocking the White House full of butter? Of course not, he’s just joking about that.”
Critics have lampooned The Chef for his abrasive and inflammatory attitudes towards immigration, climate change, racial minorities, women, women’s rights, LGBT+ individuals, foreign policy, the environment, America’s reputation on a global stage, military intervention, student loans, fracking, tax cuts for the ultra-wealthy, housing, affordable health care, education, religious freedom, the genocide in Gaza, public health crises, foreign collusion, trading state secrets, the legitimacy of the press, and—most importantly—which types of white wines pair the nicest with crab cakes.
“The Chef has promised on day one a mass steaming campaign of all crabs, but I’m not worried,” remarked Seafood Boil Party voter and local crab Maverick Dungeness. “What he really means is all bad crabs—like the guys that ate Amelia Earhart. I’m one of the good crabs. Surely, anyone can see the difference between us.”
While some voters are concerned about the Seafood Boil Party’s normalization of hateful rhetoric and violence against sea creatures, exit polls reveal that this is apparently no area of concern for the nation’s block of crab voters.
“What I really love about The Chef is his sense of humor and ability to tell it like it is,” said political activist and leader of the grassroots campaign Crabs of Chef’s Kitchen (COCK) Tanner Blue. “Some crybabies thought his statement that ‘king crabs were penny-pinchers’ went too far, but as a snow crab, I couldn’t agree more! Don’t even get me started on lobsters.”
The Chef will be giving his celebratory speech tomorrow night, following closing, concessionary remarks from his opponent: The Cook of the Surf and Turf Front.