ATLANTIS [Formerly Berkeley, California] – Tensions were high at Rich Lyon’s emergency press conference to discuss the tsunami and the potential ramifications on the city of Berkeley. Frat brother Kyle Williams, a self-acclaimed earthquake expert with extensive knowledge gained exclusively from the one Earthquakes lecture he attended, explained his perspective unprompted.
“There will be two midterms, and one final, and attendance is not graded,” Williams revealed, detailing his one-lecture’s worth of knowledge from the syllabus class at the beginning of the year. When pressed on whether a tsunami was impending, Williams stated, “There will be a quiz at the end of every lecture that should be free points. Really makes you think.”
Williams, standing undeterred at the podium in a KA rush shirt, backwards hat, and sandals, frankly dominated the room surrounding him: His sheer confidence demonstrated his capability.
“The 6 pillars of consent are revocable, unambiguous, and …. Uhhh well you get where I’m going with that” Williams replied to a question on whether or not San Francisco’s building upon a layer of soft material likely amplified the shaking people felt around the city. “Just make sure to show your doorlist at the door and list 5 brothers and you should be prepared for all possible disaster outcomes. We’re really just looking for people with good vibes.”
Following Williams’s ramblings, the tsunami warning was canceled, making this entire interaction meaningless.