WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking but also entirely unsurprising decision, the self-described ‘apolitical institution’ that is the Supreme Court of the United States has decided to strip millions of Americans of their reproductive rights by reversing Roe v. Wade, according to a leaked opinion from Justice Samuel A. Alito.

“The Constitution makes no explicit reference to abortion, abortion rights, or human rights in general, so clearly those things don’t exist,” declared Alito in the 60-page right-wing brain fart he calls an opinion. “The only rights we should preserve are those that are deeply-rooted in our nation’s tradition and history — namely, the rights of property-owning white men to oppress everybody else. By repealing Roe v. Wade, we will be returning the country to a simpler, more righteous time: a time when thousands of Americans died trying to get back-alley abortions and millions more had their lives ruined by unwanted pregnancies. I, for one, couldn’t be happier with this outcome.”

Conservatives across the nation are applauding Alito’s decision as a courageous step in the backwards direction.

“This is literally 1984 — which is, frankly, far too progressive a year,” cried conservative commentator u/FaxNLogic. “Justice Alito’s decision to overturn Roe will firmly place us back in 1972, which is certainly much better, but we need to go further. Overturn Obergefell! Overturn Griswold! Overturn the 19th Amendment and the Bill of Rights! Please, Papa Alito, eliminate all of our civil rights and take us back to the Dark Ages! I don’t care if this ends up hurting me as much as everyone else, I just want the people around me to suffer.”

Republican governors have expressed similar support for social regression.

“They say that a fetus is mindless, non-sentient, and incapable of experiencing thoughts or emotions. In other words, it’s my ideal kind of American,” said Florida governor Ron DeSantis. “Unlike the born, who repeatedly make complaints about my supposedly ‘neo-fascist’ policies and my stinky breath, the unborn haven’t had one bad word to say about me. Has a fetus ever moaned about ‘racism’ or ‘dying from COVID?’ Has a fetus ever filed for unemployment or dared to be gay in my presence? I think not! Really, the only people who vote against me are those with developed brains, so I 100% support Justice Alito’s decision to prioritize the unborn over the born. Furthermore, as governor, I promise to eliminate as many of the born as I possibly can and propagandize the rest into a state of prenatal mindlessness.”

At press time, while the Republicans were gleefully plotting humanity’s downward spiral, the Democrats were too busy being stuck in 2016 to codify abortion rights into law in 2022.  

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