BERKELEY, Calif. — Conservation and Resource Studies major Clark Morrison celebrated his graduation from the Rausser College of Natural Resources on Sunday by bidding a fond farewell to the natural environment.
“Dear environment, I have really enjoyed getting to know you over these past four years, and I will be very sad to see you go,” professed Morrison in a commencement speech at the Greek Theatre. “You introduced me to so much wonderful wildlife that will go extinct in my lifetime, and you urged me to fight for sensible public policies that will likely never come to fruition in the late-stage capitalist hellscape we live in. You have also directly enabled my survival, for which I will remain incredibly grateful, at least until I perish in the upcoming climate wars. Farewell, old friend. It’s been real. I won’t forget you.”
Following Morrison’s speech, the entire CNR Class of 2022 tossed inordinate amounts of plastic confetti and glitter into the air as a final send-off to the natural world.
“I am so excited to be graduating from college completely unprepared for the horrific wildfires, hurricanes, flooding, and heat waves that will ruin my life in the near future,” exclaimed Society and Environment major Casey Truong. “I suppose it’s a shame that I’ve spent my entire undergraduate education learning about a biosphere that won’t exist for much longer, but hey, at least the memes were good.”
Despite the ever-shortening window for effective climate action, some insist that not all is lost.
“Doomerism is neither productive nor warranted in this situation, since there is a simple and obvious solution to our current climate crisis,” explained David Ackerly, Dean of the Rausser College of Natural Resources and recent viewer of Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness. “In [Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness] — which I admittedly skim-watched because it was pretty scary at some points — the titular character travels to a different universe in order to evade a dark and sinister threat. Clearly, we should employ a similar strategy by transporting ourselves to an alternate universe where corporate interests don’t run the world and the United States is actually a democracy. All we have to do now is figure out how to create one of those fiery circle portal thingies with our hands.”
At press time, 100 of the world’s largest fossil fuel companies were celebrating Morrison’s graduation by generating 70% of the world’s carbon emissions and 99% of the world’s climate propaganda.
Photo courtesy of Images Alight.