BERKELEY, Calif. — Freshman Maya Whitman was surprised on Wednesday to see that her boyfriend, Michael Fisher, was surrounded by a crowd on Memorial Glade. 

“At first I thought people were just practicing Quidditch or that game with the pool noodle swords, but then I noticed all the abandoned beach towels and bongs along the edge of the Glade. The crowd was too big for people to just be watching sports,” reported Whitman. “When I started looking for Michael in the crowd, I couldn’t find him anywhere — then I saw him swinging his guitar like a sword at some other, equally-bland-looking white guy.”

Fisher defended his choice to fight a stranger with the finest Yamaha guitar $75 can buy. 

“This is MY practice area!,”  Fisher claimed. “Nobody wanted to hear that guy’s old man music anyway. If anything, he should thank me. I’m pretty sure I knocked his guitar into tune for the first time since he bought it — at least, that’s what he did to mine. But no, the poser tried to set his guitar down and lean it against a tree so he could punch me instead of doing a normal guitar fight, like he’s some kind of bassist or something.” Fisher spat on the ground.

Fisher’s opponent, Alex O’Connell, refuted allegations that he was a poser or a bass player.

“I’ve played guitar for months! Hell, I own a genuine knockoff Epiphone,” O’Connell reported. “And even if I do dabble in bass, you can’t own the Glade! I bet that guy can’t even play ‘Wish You Were Here!’”

Neither of the musicians could play “Wish You Were Here” properly, both combatant’s roommates report.

The crowd watching the fight dissipated when UCPD arrived with a ukulele, allowing the musicians to bond over a common enemy. Fisher and O’Connell settled their dispute outside of court, agreeing to trade practice spots weekly between Memorial Glade and that one tree in front of Dwinelle.


Photo adapted from Dara Morton.

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