With inflation rising higher than a hot air balloon filled with hashish, it’s no secret that college students’ pockets are feeling a tighter squeeze than usual. Here at the 8.5%-more-expensive-than-last-year Peach, our staff has curated some ingenious and affordable meals on their $0 yearly salary – though that does include benefits: complimentary air, 20% off at participating Blockbuster stores, and free unicycle parking (for editorial staff only). We’ve compiled here our list of the 5 most toe-curling, hair-raising, ween-tingling recipes:
Tomato Soup 2
- This isn’t your stepmama’s tomato soup – this is a whole new beast. For this recipe, you’re first going to shoplift a can of tomato soup from Safeway (you can shoplift from any grocery store, but I find the Safeway guards the most titillating to outsmart).
- Once you’ve safely delivered the can into your clutches, the steely visage of a most crimson soup inside… yes it sounds so delicious, so sanguine, the tomatoes languishing in the broth behind that mysterious tin cylinder… You gotta boil the soup. Put that soup to boil! Boil that soup!
- Did you boil the soup? Seriously? Don’t be so lazy. All I’m asking you to do is boil PRE-MADE SOUP… You’re just like your father. Don’t take that tone with me!
- Now’s where that signature Tomato Soup 2 flavor comes in! Add three tabs of acid to the soup.
- Drink Tomato Soup 2. Drink all of it. Can you see the flavors, can you taste the sounds of the soup?
- Get behind the wheel, you are 100% safe to drive.
The Holographic Meatloaf Plankton Eats in Spongebob
- I know that work-study job does not provide enough for you to eat real meatloaf. The solution? No, not a meatless loaf – a loafless loaf.
- Make sure you “borrow” the hologram projector Kanye used to show Kim K her dad, it will be critical to ensuring high-quality holo-loaf.
- For my recipe, I like to ask CompSci majors to code a website, and then I run all their code backwards into my computer, creating a code-loaf. Yes I know what I’m talking about.
- Salt to taste? No need – for added flavor, download a computer virus! That subtle lime(wire) taste is sought after!
Rotting food from the Student Food Collective
- An avocado sandwich where the bread, avocado, and cheese are brown? Count me in!
- Even better than paying – if you’re a member, take a peek into the “members only” fridge, where you can have as much nearly-inedible produce as you can imagine!
- I have eaten nothing but rotten lettuce for weeks.
- Just throw it all in a blender with some ranch! Who cares anymore, eat grass. I don’t get paid enough to give good advice.
- Ever heard of a “free-gan?” Let’s take it one step further; emulate the grandeur of the California Condor and subsist on carrion!
- I detest you and you specifically, reader. My life on this earth is suffering, and for every cent my labor continues to be extracted for free, I will guide you into the depths of my own personal hell.
- You have to return Grinnell’s body into the food chain, it’s what he would have wanted.
- I hit and killed a deer on my scooter and it has haunted me, the only thing that can bring me solace is consuming the accursed flesh.
- Still better than IB’s.
The Free Peach
- I mean c’mon – it’s literally free. Don’t be afraid, just take a bite. It’s so juicy, so succulent, harboring the sardonic, saccharine, subtle sarcasm that defines us.
- We’re not trying to play hard to get but it’s not like we’re desperate. Plenty of people want to eat us.
- … So like are you going to take a bite or…? It’s kind of rude to just stand there.
- Listen. We all have a purpose in life. I like to think mine is to be eaten; it would bring me such true fulfillment for someone to end our torment and to put the Free Peach out of our misery. Imagine being a fruit-themed satire publication. Just eat me at this point.
- If you eat us you gain the powers of the Peach, like Kirby inhaling Meta Knight. What powers? You get a writing staff that won’t put “cum” as the answer in every Jackbox game.