EUROPEAN CITY OVERRUN BY AMERICAN TOURISTS – After a 2-month-long multi-country European vacation, your painfully rich friend Barrington von Scrooge III confidently explained to you that “the legal age of doing cocaine in Europe is 18 instead of 21, like here.”
He continued, “It’s so different. When you’re here, hanging with people like Ronald Reagan’s grandsons, they’re constantly asking if you’re over 21. And it’s like, come on dude. You know I’m always snorting coke with everyone at the weekly Berkeley College Republican ‘Imprison all Poor Drug Addicts’ parties.” He added, “Europeans, like my friend the reanimated corpse of Prince Phillip, understand that all business deals are made while socializing over rounds of fresh cocaine that we cut up with our black Amex cards. It makes it so much easier to talk business before we all end the night with the usual: getting blood transfusions from young migrant boys in order to make us live forever.”
Von Scrooge’s friend, Alex Wan, shared a comment.
“Friend is a strong word,” started Wan. “We were in the same R1A class freshman year and I had to help him with basic grammar. We still kinda talk only because he invites himself to plans I make with my friends and then Venmo-requests me for stuff like ‘eating 3 pieces of his popcorn.’” Wan shook his head, looking down at the top ramen he was eating for dinner the third night in a row.
With even more to say was von Scrooge’s father, Archibald von Scrooge XVIII.
“He spends $8,000 dollars a week and has a 1.9 GPA. He is a complete and utter failure. I mean, yeah, he’s still going to end up as the Chairman of Goldman Sachs with my connections but I fucking hate him so much,” he said. “I remember when he was 6 years old and caught me cheating on his mom with a woman half my age. He just walked away in silence. I still gifted him the corpse of a now extinct subspecies of Southeast Asian tiger to shut him up though.” He reached for a cigar and mused, “I still wonder who or what influenced him to be such a douchebag.”
Upon return from his trip, von Scrooge made an Instagram post full of pictures of yachts and luxury hotels paid for by his parents with the caption, “started from the bottom now we’re here.”