“I was a professor of ophthalmology for decades, so I can guarantee: all you’re gonna see is hands.”
Santa Claus, of “Christmas” Fame, Dead at 52
“Santa died doing what he loved: being dangerously near fire while trespassing at a stranger’s house,” a representative said in a press release.
Uh Oh! Carol Christ Under Mistletoe AND Investigation for Shoplifting!
BERKELEY, Calif. – Just when students forgot about Chancellor Dirks, the UC Berkeley administration found itself mired in new controversy. “These allegations are absurd,” responded …
Aspiring English Student Disappointed to Return Home to Loving, Supportive Family
SILVER LAKE, Calif. – Senior English major Jennifer Brooks experienced ennui due to a sudden lack of ennui upon returning to her ancestral home for …
We Sat Down with Judith Butler and Didn’t Understand a Goddamn Word They Said
The Free Peach: Thank you so much for talking with us. Judith Butler: Of course, the speaking of which we speak is the fundamental speaking …
Study Finds Oski Just Guy in Suit
BERKELEY, Calif. – Researchers at the University of California were shocked to find the dark truth about their beloved mascot. “We had always assumed Oski …
UCSF Begins COVID Drug Trial With Those Pills That Turn Into Dinosaurs in Water
SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. – As COVID continues to confound doctors and ravage the nation, experts at the University of California, San Francisco have begun to …
L&S CS to Vet P/NP Students by Cage Fights
BERKELEY, Calif. – Having relaxed P/NP restrictions for major-requirements, the Computer Science Department has gotten creative with its new student screening methodology. “Hold onto your …
Frat Brother Wants to Show You Flask of Amontillado
BERKELEY, Calif. – Junior Brock Tresor had borne the thousand injuries of the Sigma Chi dating scene as best he could, but when it at …
