BERKELEY, Calif. – Having relaxed P/NP restrictions for major-requirements, the Computer Science Department has gotten creative with its new student screening methodology.
“Hold onto your hats, cause the Berkeley Cage Match Bonanza is coming to Wheeler Hall this Sunday, Sunday, SUNDAY!” boomed beloved CS 61A Professor John DeNero. “We’ve got all your favorites in the fight of their lives! Come see Macroprocessor, Python Chokehold, and the MATLAB Madlad duke it out! Two computer scientists enter the octagon, but only one walks out ready to sell their soul (and yours!) to Google. Be there xor be square! (Sponsored by Mountain Dew).”
While some professors have expressed concerns about students losing their competitive edge, others feel the P/NP decision is a necessary move for student health.
“These cage matches should motivate those pathetic little wimps to get fucking shredded,” reported CS 70 Professor Anant Sahai, curling a 50-pound dumbbell. “Computer science has too many SCRAWNY NERDS who don’t know how to take care of their FUCKING BODIES! If you soyboys want to play League of Legends and eat ramen for the rest of your lives, that’s your choice, but it doesn’t mean I have let you into MY department.” Professor Sahai proceeded to eat a whole raw egg, shell and all. “If you can’t handle the heat, get out of my goddamn kitchen; if you can’t handle the schedule, get out of my class. Alright, I’ve gotta go carboload. Sahai OUT!”
Some CS Seniors had mixed feelings about the new selection criteria.
“Oh, geez, yeah, uh, I dunno about all this,” expressed Senior Brian Judd. “What if somebody gets hurt? I-I-I’d feel really bad if somebody did permanent damage to themselves just to get into this program… It seems like a pretty bad idea. That being said, boy am I excited to watch it! I haven’t seen a good campus cage fight since the Robert Reich / Elon Musk Tumble in the Twitter Feed.”
As of press time, the Haas School of Business is planning a similar selection process that will involve simply shooting any applicant below a base income level.