New York, NY This past weekend, millions of Americans tuned in to CNN to watch Chris Cuomo’s live cam show on the brutal fucking of American democracy. But despite the neck-breaking, spanking start, fans reported that by the second day, Cuomo slowed down and began teasing viewers by displaying exactly how close he was to completion with a blue progress bar out of 270 at the bottom of the screen.  

“Fuck. Chris is so fucking close to finishing. We’ve been at 264 for two days now,” reported Wyatt, an excited, turgid college fan, eyes bloodshot from intently watching Cuomo’s cam show late into the night. 

It didn’t help that Cuomo brought on other stars, further prolonging his completion. As Wyatt complained, “There was this Carolina chick, but she was taking so fucking long to finish, even though he already finished her Southern step sister, South Carolina, on the first night.”

In the end, however, Cuomo’s passion culminated in a messy and explosive finish that satisfied many fans around the world, especially Joe Bitten, who was finally able to go back to sleep.

Other viewers, like Donald Hump, a staunch critic of Cuomo’s network, complained about the show, citing allegations of fraud. “STOP THE CUM! He did not finish. They are trying to steal my erection! My voyeuristic watchers were not allowed in Chris’ room.” 

Despite the controversy, however, Cuomo undeniably brought in many new fans, and his popularity now competes with other leading adult stars like Jake Tapper and Anderson Cooper.

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