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Category: The Pit

Posted on October 3, 2019September 11, 2021 by: Lily Green

“How Can Medieval Knights Continue Making The Same Tactical Blunders And Expect Different Outcomes?” Says Poli Sci Student Texting Ex During Lecture

Making the same silly mistakes over and over again without ever learning or changing. I would never do something so stupid.  

Anyway, today I texted Brad.

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Posted on September 28, 2019September 11, 2021 by: Anya Mansoor

Opinion: The Fecund Melisma of Saturnine Parlance Is An Enervated Corpus Delicti of Contemporary Ontological Praxis (By That Guy From Section)

We’re all thinking it, but I guess I have to be the one to say it: the fecund melisma of saturnine parlance is an enervated corpus delicti of modern ontological praxis. 

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Posted on September 23, 2019May 13, 2021 by: Maeve Sneddon

A Letter to MY Editor: Please Stop Asking Me To Write This Article, I Literally Have The Flu

Look, I know what you’re gonna say, Amanda. I know you’ll say “Maeve you can take the week off” or “Don’t worry about it! I’d rather you feel better” or even, “Please Maeve, please stop texting me your fever-induced ideas for articles.”

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Posted on September 19, 2019May 13, 2021 by: Anya Mansoor

I’m Not Like Other Girls— I Have Ringworm

I don’t have sex with strangers or “smoke weed,” okay? I don’t need to. I have ringworm.

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Posted on September 18, 2019May 13, 2021 by: Sam MacKinnon

First Straws, Now Juuls – What’s Left to Suck On?

Straws revolutionized the way that people experienced drinking, and soon we couldn’t get enough of the sensation. We suck on straws, cigarettes, dicks, lollipops, and whatever else we can.

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Posted on September 10, 2019May 13, 2021 by: Daniel Menegaz

Pathetic! Self-proclaimed funny Cal Student doesn’t even write for The Free Peach

Hello. It is I, The Free Peach. You may have heard of me. If you haven’t, that’s okay. But if you’re reading this, chances are you have.

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Posted on August 29, 2019May 13, 2021 by: Daniel Menegaz

Young Father Seeking Advice: Should I Sacrifice my Daughter to Satan?

I don’t care about being rich or famous or any of that typical bullshit Satan promises. Certainly not enough to sacrifice Amanda, my eight-year-old daughter.

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Posted on May 3, 2019May 13, 2021 by: Kelsey Ferrell

Free Speech Under Attack: Where Was Milton When UCBMFET Refused to Publish My Meme?

I’m waiting, Milton. What do you have to say for yourself?

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Posted on May 1, 2019May 13, 2021 by: Anya Mansoor

If You Do Not Fill Out Your Course Evaluation, I Will Unilaterally Wage Jihad (By Your Professor)

I realize that my implicit association of the concept of jihad with the acts of political violence I will definitely inflict on you if you don’t fill out your course evaluation has the ultimate effect of fostering links between Islam and terrorism. As you have guessed, I don’t care, because I am Islamophobic.

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Posted on April 25, 2019May 12, 2021 by: Sam MacKinnon

What My Last Six Braincells Are Thinking After Coachella

If you too only have six brain cells left, read this article and share it with your friends!

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