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Category: The Pit

Posted on February 5, 2020February 5, 2020 by: Daniel Menegaz

Please Don’t Read This, I’m Too Shy

Wait, stop! I thought I told you not to read this. Didn’t you read the title of the article? UGH, I can’t believe you’re still …

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Posted on December 18, 2019February 5, 2020 by: Sam MacKinnon

Opinion: This is a Shoes-On Household

Listen up, you little shit. You may have heard of the time and true tradition of a “shoes-off” household, so I am going to blow your fucking mind with this one. 

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Posted on December 11, 2019September 11, 2021 by: Sammy Cornick

White Girl from LA Fulfills Civic Duty of Criticizing Pop-Listeners Because Her Spotify Wrapped Has Tyler, the Creator in It

Even though you probably have never heard of these artists, it is my civic duty as a white, female teenager from Los Angeles to expose society to art and culture that is unique and different.

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Posted on November 21, 2019September 11, 2021 by: Lily Green

ATTENTION: Manic Pixie Dream Girl for Hire!

I have bangs and glasses. I play the ukulele. And I have four pairs of overalls.

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Posted on November 13, 2019September 11, 2021 by: Lily Green

A Day In The Life of the FBI Man In My Webcam

The American public is under constant surveillance, and social media only aids in these pursuits. Mark Zuckerberg is sitting on a huge cache of my …

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Posted on November 9, 2019September 11, 2021 by: Lily Green

Mastering The Art of Asking A Question That’s Actually a Statement — A Manifesto

My peers ask me this all the time. “Why can’t you just ask a question like everybody else?” and “Why do you insist on taking up space?”

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Posted on October 25, 2019September 11, 2021 by: Lily Green

I Talk So Much In Section Because I Must Preserve America’s Democracy: By Every Male Political Science Major

Some people can’t handle the discourse I inspire. Okay, fine, you made me say it – these people are usually women.

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Posted on October 21, 2019September 11, 2021 by: Sammy Cornick

Opinion: I Refuse to be Bullied for my Chunky White Filas

Some claim that the size of our sneaker is an overcompensation for qualities we lack elsewhere, yet this could not lean further from the truth. If anything, the weight of our Filas make us even more grounded than ever before

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Posted on October 11, 2019October 11, 2019 by: Daniel Menegaz

My 5th grader hates me because I’m a Classic Yellow Wood-Cased Ticonderoga No.2 Pencil and not a Paper Mate Clearpoint Mechanical Pencil :(

My owner’s name is Billy! He is a 5th grader at Newbury Park Elementary School and he loves drawing and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches …

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Posted on October 4, 2019October 7, 2021 by: Cloe Wood

The Star Signs as Spoons

Astrology? More like astrolog-eats, am I right? Ha ha. What spoon are you, based on the day of your birth?? Only the stars—and this Free …

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