The American public is under constant surveillance, and social media only aids in these pursuits. Mark Zuckerberg is sitting on a huge cache of my personal data, and is probably preparing to sell other corporations a list of all the astrology memes I’ve liked since 2015. I believe he is personally taunting me, as Facebook keeps showing me targeted ads for Ben Shapiro. However, I recently learned that all this focus on social media upset someone very dear to me: the FBI agent assigned to watch me through my webcam. In order to make him feel better, I decided to surveil my surveillor and share his journal entries with The Free Peach.
9:15am: Subject is still sleeping, which is odd considering she has class in 15 minutes. I am bored, so I will see if the subject has games on her phone.
9:16am: Subject still has Flappy Bird. Subject added to watchlist.
9:45am: Subject wakes up completely disoriented. I laugh. This is relatable.
10:30am: Subject begins walk to campus. She plays Taylor Swift’s You Belong With Me for the duration of her 20 minute walk.
10:50am: Subject sends yet another text to [NAME REDACTED]. She sends two more in rapid succession. This behavior is odd, considering he has not responded to any of her previous attempts to make contact.
11:00am: Subject arrives at the library. Her reading is from a physical book, so I take my break.
11:15am: All of my friends are busy. Billy from the NSA is watching a high school science teacher, as he has a theory that the release of the new Breaking Bad movie will inspire “Walter White Copycats.” The chemistry teacher is teaching the class the chemistry behind making rock candy, which makes me hungry. I swing by the CIA to ask if any of them want to join me, but they tell me they’re very busy right now. I wonder what they’re up to?
12:30pm: Subject emerges from the library looking completely disoriented. I check my facial recognition database to try and identify her emotion, and realize that this particular face means that she only read three pages in an hour and a half.
2:00pm: Subject spent the last 20 minutes contemplating whether or not to buy home decor from Anthropologie.
2:01pm: Subject checks bank account. Yeah, that’s what I thought.
4:00pm: Subject keeps checking to see if [NAME REDACTED] texted her back, so I make her phone crash.
4:30pm: Subject receives a notification from Co-Star and sends it to her friend. I call over NSA Billy again to see if we can decipher what it means to “Consider the possibility of an honest mess.” Billy is a Capricorn.
6:00pm: Subject opens a streaming service to watch a movie for class. I wonder what it is?
6:01pm: I see the opening credits for Citizen Four, the Edward Snowden documentary. I am inconsolable. I thought we were friends?
6:30pm: Subject’s computer crashes. I feel better for a moment, before realizing that it’s unhealthy to worry so much about what other people are doing, or what they might think of me.
6:31pm: Wait, should I get a new job?