My owner’s name is Billy! He is a 5th grader at Newbury Park Elementary School and he loves drawing and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and Paul Thomas Anderson. He’s a real rascal. One time he gave Jake P. a wet willy and then blamed it on Jake L. and got Jake L. sent to the principal’s office! He’s so cool. I love him very much.

But Billy hates me :(. Billy hates me because I’m a Classic Yellow Wood-Cased Ticonderoga No.2 pencil and not a Paper Mate Clearpoint Mechanical Pencil. When Billy opened up my box on the first day of school he got very angry and told Jake L. that he wished I was a sleek, practical pencil and not a stupid piece of driftwood with an eraser.

He told Jake L., “A 12-pack of Classic Ticonderoga No.2 pencils is $3.99 on Amazon, but a 12-pack of Paper Mate Clearpoint Mechanical Pencils costs $22.56 on Amazon! Who does my mom think I am, some cheap whore?”

The teacher heard Billy say that mean thing about his mom and had a talk with him about his potty-mouth. Billy blamed Jake L. for getting caught and so he gave Jake P. a wet willy and blamed it on Jake L. Billy is so cool. I wish he loved me back.

But Billy just learned all about the Revolutionary War in Social Studies and about how in May of 1775, Colonel Benedict Arnold captured Fort Ticonderoga from the British. That made him resent me because Arnold captured Fort Ticonderoga with only 83 Green Mountain Boys in his command. Billy said that Fort Ticonderoga is a Vauban-style military fortress that should give its occupants a 3:1 advantage over invaders at the very least, and besides that, Benedict Arnold turned out to be a traitor. Two strikes against Fort Ticonderoga.

“Nobody ever captured a Fort Paper Mate,” Billy said. He thinks I’m bad luck now. He told me one day he’s going to snap me in half.

Billy told Jake P. that he wishes he had a Paper Mate Clearpoint Mechanical Pencil instead of a Ticonderoga because ESPN Sports commentator Lee Corso always has a Ticonderoga in his hand on TV, and Billy hates Lee Corso. In the off season, Lee Corso serves as the Director of Business Development for the Dixon Ticonderoga company. Billy thinks that’s a conflict of interest and that Lee Corso is a corporate shill.

Last week, Billy was assigned to do a book report on Charlie and The Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl. Roald Dahl notoriously only wrote using Ticonderoga No.2 pencils, and would sharpen six of them every day before he got to work. Billy told Jake L. that Roald Dahl was a “dumb shit” for sharpening so many regular pencils when he could have just used a mechanical pencil. Then Billy used me to draw himself holding a mechanical pencil. It hurt my feelings :(.

Billy watched Cool Spy James Bond movie You Only Live Twice because Roald Dahl wrote the screenplay! But there was a scene where someone says “In Japan, Men always come first. Women come second,” and also a scene where James Bond (Sean Connery) is put in yellowface to “become a ninja.” He’s pretty sure Roald Dahl wrote those scenes with a Ticonderoga. He is very sad to share a writing utensil with Roald Dahl. Billy’s parents are raising him right because he’s not down for Roald Dahl’s sexist, racist bullshit. That’s why I love him. He’s a good boy at heart, I think.

Billy tried to stab Jake L. with me today. I take back what I said earlier. I think Billy is a sociopath.

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