Honestly, I was going to write another article about Cal Greek life, per my usual authorial persona, but I watched Monday night’s episode of The Bachelor yesterday because I’m too poor to afford cable and I can’t help myself. I HATE this goddamn show. 

Do you think that I want to watch girls who are named Hannah Ann and unironically choose to call themselves by names like Hannah Ann bitch about champagne? Of course not! Do I do it anyway? Yes! 

That’s the thing about this season of ABC’s The Bachelor. It’s like a never-ending reunion episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County; they are completely hammered at all times, screaming about pills, and tripping over themselves for the same mediocre guy. Honestly, they should invite some of the divorced cast members of Housewives to come on the show. Pete looooooves the drama, right?

And sure, me writing this article in the first place is giving even more publicity to a show that does not deserve it. The Free Peach’s audience is huge, and my voice is one that is heard throughout the nation, so I’m sure that I am doing more harm than good in writing this article. But I need to say what I need to say. 

There is ONE (1) woman that is over the age of thirty. One has modeled for White Lives Matter. Three of them are literally only 22. I am not making this up. 

Sure, the end goal of every Bachelor contestant is to become an Instagram influencer, but at what cost? Also, who the hell has an adderall prescription at the age of 28?

Being the masochist that I am, I will continue to watch the show. It is reminiscent of the high of a whip-it, which actually stems from brain cells dying; I may be losing more brain cells than if I weren’t watching, but that is a choice that I am free to make. 

All hail the regime of southern women who rule this franchise, all hail Chris Harrison, and all hail 28 year old women who do adderall!

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