BERKELEY, Calif. – The University of California recently announced its opposition to a Russian invasion of Ukraine, citing its own plans to invade Ukraine for student housing.

“President Putin’s blatant attempt to occupy a sovereign country is reckless, barbaric, and deeply inconsiderate of the housing needs of students attending the world’s #1 public university,” Chancellor Carol Christ declared in a campus-wide email last Friday. “The university already called dibs on Ukraine months ago to accommodate our expanded student body. Now, with the possibility of a court-mandated enrollment freeze on the horizon, we have no choice but to invade ASAP. That $57 million in lost tuition money isn’t going to just plunder itself, you know.”

In preparation for the violent conquest, the university has conscripted thousands of undergraduate students and deployed them along the Berkeley-Ukraine border.

“I’m cold, I’m hungry, and I’m not sure why I’m here,” reported infantryman and media studies major Clark Hoffman. “All we eat are dehydrated blondies from Café 3. I haven’t taken a shit in three days. We’re paid in Flex dollars and forced to fill out Pulse Surveys to determine whether or not we are still alive. Morale is low, but they say the Chancellor will pay off our student loan debt if we emerge victorious. This prospect, and this prospect alone, keeps me from shooting myself in the foot and taking the first Tang Center helicopter out of this hellscape.”

On the homefront, public opinion of Cal’s invasion plans is divided, with some decrying the move as a violation of Ukrainian sovereignty. Most students, however, fully support the administration’s effort to expand campus housing.

“I really don’t get this whole ‘Save Ukraine’ business,” said university sympathizer Christina Ghelleri. “It’s a dangerous country with high crime rates, and the Bears desperately need more housing. So what if a few million Ukrainian citizens get evicted in the process? I’m sure we can always find somewhere else to put them.”

In response to the concerns about displaced Ukrainians, the university has affirmed its commitment to building a ‘Second Ukraine’ on the 3½th floor of Dwinelle.


Photo by Prayit No.

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