BERKELEY, Calif. – Sproul preacher Preach Preacher garnered significant attention last Wednesday when he delivered an uncannily-detailed sermon about Hell.

“There’s fire everywhere! Everything smells like sulfur! But what they never tell you about are the soft-serve machines!” Preacher announced to a crowd of ten to twelve Godless Cal students. “These machines are the literal work of the Devil. Nine out of ten times, the levers are jammed, the spigots are crusty, and the ice cream comes out as runny as milk – a probable result of the hellfire melting everything. Sometimes the mixers break and don’t get repaired for all eternity. The worst part is, just to get a cone, you have to wait in this long-ass line with all the other priests – I mean, sinners – who are just as hot, sweaty, and grumpy as you are. It’s terror enough that all men should fear eternal damnation!”

Preacher’s insight into the inner-workings of Hell has earned him the admiration of many aspiring clergymen in the campus community.

“When I grow up, I’m gonna be a preacher, just like Preach!” said 32-year-old Manfred von Viddlegoop. “Preach’s sermons about Hell are always so vivid and informative – it’s almost like listening to someone who has actually been there. Preach says that if I want to be a preacher like him, I should listen to everything he says very carefully. Apparently, it’s all going to come in handy one day!”

Some other Sproul preachers are less impressed by Preacher’s accounts of the infernal realm.

“Wait, what? That ignoramus seriously said that the sixth circle of Hell has soft-serve?” exclaimed Father Anus Biblicalus of St. Simon’s Rectory. “Lucky bastard. Over in the eighth circle, all we get is froyo.”

At press time, several Sproul preachers were seen arguing over whether froyo is, in fact, worse than soft-serve, and whether the customer service in Hell has been getting worse of late.

 

Photo by Frankie Leon

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