BERKELEY, Calif. – Dude, bad news–everyone can totally tell that you’re higher than Leonardo DiCaprio’s personal maximum for age gaps right now. Yes dude, I’m talking to you! Your eyes are so red they could be a Stanford-themed thong.

This is bad man… I would have never handed you that birthday cake/pineapple express/formaldehyde hybrid joint if I knew that Professor Farnsworth was going to email! Like read this with me dude — your eyes are so blurred can you even read? It says “I’m moving the midterm up a week to today.” You think that’s bad? He sent another email: “Oh, and the final too.” And then ANOTHER: “don’t forget about the talent show or the swimsuit portion.”

Oh crap dude, even worse! Looks like your parents are calling­ — you sound so baked it’s not even funny. Okay it’s a little funny, but only because we smoked SO MUCH I can’t stop giggling. You want me to pick up? Alright alright — holy mackerel, your parents said that they’re separating. AND they need you to help find a bunch of receipts and documents, AND it’s your cousin’s birthday so you’ve got to send him a message on WhatsApp!

 Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, you are so boned; I think you just got an email from your advisor — open that up let’s see what it says. Oh balls-wrapped-in-shawls dude, you’ve got to meet with them ASAP! Apparently, you didn’t fulfill your juggling requirement? No way you’ll be able to focus.

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