BOCA CHICA, Texas — Forgoing his usual performative grandstanding, Elon Musk has decided to permanently end his contribution to the climate crisis by jettisoning himself into space this Earth Day.

“You’ve spoken, I’ve listened, and I’m taking action,” Musk declared in his final Twitter thread. “As demanded by the public, I will be boarding the next SpaceX rocket to depart from Earth this Friday. I do not plan on returning. The memes were dank, and my taxes were low, but I am afraid it’s time for me to go. See you on the moon, apes. *gorilla emoji* *gorilla emoji* *gorilla emoji* *rocket emoji* *rocket emoji* *rocket emoji* *moon emoji* *moon emoji* *moon emoji*.”

The public has expressed overwhelming support for Musk’s decision.

“The rocket is supposed to reach Mars, but I’m just happy that he’s going to be millions of miles away from here,” said local woman Cassandra Peters. “Bye-bye, Mr. Musk! I hope you have fun in the dark, cold reaches of outer space.”

Musk’s fellow billionaires have cited his departure as a source of inspiration.

“Mr. Musk is a shining example for all members of the billionaire class,” reported Amazon CEO Jeffrey Bezos. “Encouraged by his bravery, I too will be launching myself into space this Friday. Of course, I will be using a Blue Origin rocket and not a SpaceX one, but at the end of the day as long as it gets me off of this shithole planet I don’t really care about the brand. Goodbye, wage slaves. I thoroughly enjoyed exploiting you, and I hope you don’t forget about me.”

At press time, Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Larry Ellison, and Michael Bloomberg announced similar plans to permanently abscond from the Earth. In loosely related news, the stock price for ‘Rocket Companies,’ a Detroit-based mortgage provider, has risen by nearly 300% since Musk’s tweet.


Photo adapted from Steve Jurvetson and Official SpaceX Photos.

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