BERKELEY, Calif. — A shocking revelation struck Sproul Plaza this afternoon when certified “label-hater” Noah Stringson, attempting to reconcile with his pseudo-girlfriend, discovered that the term ‘situationship’ was not consulting club jargon; he had simply misinterpreted a weeks-old club Slack message which included a brief entitled “The Situationship of Corporate Taxes.”
“It’s just like, casual, you know?” said Stringson describing his on-and-off relationship with a psychology major. “Like, I buy her flowers and tell her I love her, but I don’t want to, like, put a label on anything.”
The Vice Social Impact Adviser of the Corporate Law Business Firm Consulting Club paused to send a text, which read ‘baby im sorry i didnt mean it, don’t be sad ure so sexy aha,’ before rolling his eyes and returning to the interview.
“That’s why I just don’t respond to her texts some weeks, you know, keeping it casual. I just don’t see a long-term future with her, and I think she knows that by the way I say ‘aw, man’ to any sort of emotional vulnerability she shows. Maybe. Probably.”
But today, after being suddenly informed that ‘situationship’ was the word to describe his exact romantic circumstance, Stringson was visibly stricken, as if he had just been denied out of an interview with Forbes in the recesses of Dwinelle. Clearing his throat, he paced the length of his club booth nervously, before grabbing a stack of flyers and sprinting to an unsuspecting undergraduate. Stringson’s club colleague Bob Buzzword played a part in this tumult, and recalled his own bewilderment at the brief sent over Slack.
“I was quite confused by this development. After we got that brief, I direct-messaged Noah and asked him what he thought a situationship meant,” Buzzword admitted, while picking out a spare crumb of bread between his braces and his teeth. “After leaving me on read for two weeks, he responded that he thought it referred to ‘a situation between a corporation and a customer that is mutually beneficial.’ My entire worldview shifted. I truly believed my colleague had a stroke of genius, so I thought, why the fuck not? Now introducing: our new Flagship Situationship Program.”
Following this comment, Buzzword miraculously pulled out a 30-slide presentation informing us of a new program bringing corporations and consumers together in a vague, undefined partnership, before packing up and sauntering off as good consulting club boys do.
At press time, sources inside the Corporate Law Business Firm Consulting Club say the situationship program has swiftly ended, due to one side of the partnership never responding to correspondence emails unless it was later than midnight, as well as difficulty in managing several secret micro-partnerships with other consulting clubs at once.