“We’re not starting class until everyone moves up to the front. Sit closer, I don’t bite!” I looked around at the five other students who still attend section, wondering if Ned really needed us to move closer. Was this another GSI power trip? I knew he wasn’t a biter, but he clearly underestimated the power of a now-annoyed undergraduate student who skipped breakfast this morning. Maybe I should teach him a lesson. My mouth began to water at the thought of sinking my canines into Ned’s freckled arm. The sound of his howl would truly be music to my ears as I’d leave him with a permanent tattoo of my chompers. Who is Ned to tell me what to do!?
‘Never Become a Professor,’ Says Professor to GSI Doing His Entire Job
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal history Professor Orn Ery pulled his GSI aside during lecture this past Thursday with some unrequested advice regarding their professional future, …
Anticipating Strike, UC Proposes Last-Ditch Raise Based on 1940s Rent Prices
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a vote on Oct. 26 whose turnout shattered historical U.S. election records, almost 50,000 Academic Student Employees (ASEs) across the University …
Man Easily Navigates Dwinelle, Still Unable to Locate Woman’s Clitoris
BERKELEY, Calif. – As Berkeley students once again struggle with the endless labyrinth that is Dwinelle Hall, one man has emerged champion, remarkably finding his classroom within mere minutes; the location of his girlfriend’s clitoris, however, still remains a mystery.
“It was no big deal,” shrugged a bashful Justin Lawry to a roaring sea of fans. “I sorta stepped through those doors and, I don’t know, I just had a gut feeling. Something deep within my primal instincts almost seemed to sing to me; next thing I know I’m taking a right, another right, a left, another right, another left, walking up two flights of stairs, crawling through the tunnel that connects the north and south wings, taking a left, climbing up a ladder, taking the slide down the other end, and taking another right. Boom. I was there.
I Went All the Way Out to Office Hours but There Wasn’t Even Sexual Tension Between Me and My GSI
So you go to office hours. You go, ready to see four months of buildup come to fruition.
10 Ways To Justify Your 13 Section Absences In Your Course Taught Exclusively In Socratic Seminar
Fear not, we’ve come up with 10 unique ways to convey your 14% attendance rate to your GSI, Marvin.
If You Do Not Fill Out Your Course Evaluation, I Will Unilaterally Wage Jihad (By Your Professor)
I realize that my implicit association of the concept of jihad with the acts of political violence I will definitely inflict on you if you don’t fill out your course evaluation has the ultimate effect of fostering links between Islam and terrorism. As you have guessed, I don’t care, because I am Islamophobic.
40 Quirky April Fool’s Jokes
April Fool’s Day! Our favorite holiday of the year. Nothing says “LOL” like telling your boyfriend Jack that you’re over, and then saying April Fool’s, then him being like “no, I think this is the right path for us.” Anyway, here’s 35 Quirky April Fools Jokes!