BERKELEY, Calif.- A groundbreaking new study from the UC Berkeley Institute for Delayed Consequences and Medicinal Misinformation has confirmed what thousands of college students and washed DJs have long suspected: if your edible hasn’t hit yet, you should just take 2–3 more. Like now. Right now.
“Honestly, if you’re even asking the question, it means your bloodstream is practically begging for more THC,” said Dr. Penry Blinker, lead researcher and former Coachella medic. “We used a double-blind study and a triple-dose methodology, which means nobody knew what was going on and everyone was fucking flying.”
“The findings came after a rigorous week-long experiment involving 420 participants, including three students caught free diving into compost bins behind Moffit, a GBC employee on thin ice, and yikyakers desperate for human connection,” explained Dr. Blinker’s unpaid and overworked research assistant, Stoe Ner. “We administered participants one gummy and then asked, after thirty minutes, whether they were spiraling through every awkward interaction they’ve ever experienced or whether they felt like the universe was all love. If they said no, we handed them two more edibles and a Capri Sun, which we had to pay for ourselves.”
“I just didn’t feel anything after the first one, so I took three more and popped a squat on a lawn chair on the Glade,” said sophomore Pendrick Lamar, who was last seen staring at a Trader Joe’s pineapple for an hour before whispering, ‘he gets it.’
Despite some minor setbacks—including one subject who legally married a lava lamp and another who became emotionally bonded with local canine celebrity Trouper at Cal—researchers have reaffirmed their stance that the data holds.