BERKELEY, Calif. – Cal sophomore Ricky Jitters came to the realization last Tuesday night that it was, unfortunately, a bit too late to drink that Yerb.

“Do you know how much caffeine is in a Yerba Mate? Because it feels like I just got punched in the chest,” said Jitters, whose right leg was bouncing two BPM shy of his heart rate. “It was like 7PM and I was struggling to finish my reading responses, so I figured I’d just crack a Yerb and get down to business. Well it’s 2AM nOW,” Jitters shared, unaware that he was gradually shouting, “AND I’M STILL UP. Why in the world would they put something so potent in such an aesthetically pleasing can?! That’s like putting cocaine in a Coca-Cola bottle, or nicotine in a cute little pink box.”

Later that night, Jitters was seen color coding his Google Calendar because, “What the fuck else am I supposed to do at this point?”

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