2. The Student Transportation Office: (510) 643-7701
Don’t be fooled by the name– like Voltaire said, “This office is neither for students, nor transportation, nor an office.” There is no telling what response you’ll get – they might replace your lost card, but not without a $25 fee that completely negates the notion of a free bus pass. And if you complain? There’s a tried and true response that they’re not afraid to roll out: “go fuck yourself.”
Lost Your Clipper Card? Here’s 4 Phone Numbers We Called That Told Us To Fuck Ourselves
Haas Student Brags about Internship at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated
“That’s right dude, the job is a complete lush – I’m working at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. They’re sending me an access badge too; my job title is ‘Junior Inator Inspector.’ How cool is that? Yeah the pay’s great, I think six figures? And three of them are before the decimal!”
Innovation: AC Transit Consolidates All Lines Into 31-Decker Bus
OAKLAND, Calif. – In response to Governor Newsom’s new state transportation budget, AC Transit has announced a plan to reduce operating costs. “We recognize that …
SUPERB Updates Crowd Control Measures by Promising That All Future Performances Will Only Feature Nickelback
BERKELEY, Calif.— Following a severe failure at crowd control during their Soulja Boy concert last Friday, ASUC SUPERB has promised to update their crowd control …
INVESTIGATION: Does SUPERB Know About Our Massive Outdoor Greek Theater?
BERKELEY, Calif.– Following Friday’s horrific Soulja Boy crowd-crush, many among the student body have raised serious questions surrounding the planning of the concert. With Pauley …
Recession Watch: We’re Down to 3 Yali’s Cafes on Campus
BERKELEY, Calif. – The chilling wind of economic crisis has swept upon Berkeley, and it seems that the University has left its thrifted, Shattuck-Crossroads windbreaker …
Clark Kerr Skeleton Evicted After Tuition Non-Payment
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a dormitory-wide email recently, UC Berkeley Housing notified some of the campus community that they had discovered “what is believed to …
Maturity? I Framed One of My Posters
“It’s like watching my son go through puberty in one night – from little league straight to whacking home-runs on more steroids than contained in an asthmatic inhaler,” stuttered my hornswoggled housemate, Dylan Hamuy. “I mean you should have seen the state of the room before this; it was a tasteful, subdued mix of stolen traffic signs and FedEx-printed low-res jpegs pasted to the walls, with some under-exposed polaroids peppered in for flavor. But now? We’re looking at the big leagues. That’s right, frames have hit the room!”
Countries Vie for the World Cup Since All the Rest Are in the Dishwasher
DOHA, Qatar – Fans across the world are oscillating in sweaty dive-bars, cooling down sports spectators who are whooping and hollering at yet another World Cup. …
UC Regents Respond to COLA Demands with Six-Pack of Pepsi
“The Chancellor kept acting like handing us a Pepsi was going to completely solve the strike. I have no idea who gave her that idea – I mean it feels like some high-power Madison-Avenue marketing bull.”