Welcome back to campus, bears! In light of tours, orientations, and events that have returned alongside our vibrant student body, we’ve decided to host our …
Carol Christ Throws It Back
BERKELEY, Calif. — In an unprecedented turn of precedented events, Chancellor Christ has announced that classes will be online for the first two weeks of …
Supreme Court Possibly Rules Pro-Anti-Abortion, or Something Like That
WASHINGTON — In a landmark case undecided earlier today, the Supreme Court did nothing. Their indecision to be indifferent towards abortion clinics while ignoring the …
BP Celebrates Hanukkah With Festive Oil Spill
LONDON – This week, Jewish people around the globe finally ignited the candle-filled Hanukkiahs they keep year-long beneath the sink (behind the Clorox and the …
Fuck, There Went All Our “We Lost” Jokes
STANFORD, Calif.- Despite the best efforts of the Stanford Football Team and COVID-19, somehow the Bears clutched a narrow 41-11 victory this weekend. “I just …
OPINION: “Midterm Season” Is a Scam Created by Big Academia to Sell More Exams
As temperatures plummet and the trees on Sproul grow as barren as my social calendar, I know that the seasons have changed. In fact, I …
Alarming Number of Students Robbed by Someone Other Than Financial Aid Office
BERKELEY, Calif. – Students and faculty alike were shocked last week as students were bombarded with several UCPD alerts detailing armed robberies and grand-theft gasoline. …
Top 2 Campus Fountains I Have Vomited In
Few things unify the Berkeley student body. Sure, rushedly ignoring Sproul donut salespeople, feeling despair at missing the 51B, and regretting trying that new Trader …
OPINION: Why I, a Man, Am Dressing Like a Slut This Halloween
As we continue to reject the limitations of gender and the patriarchy, I pose the question: why have men been denied their inalienable right to …
BART Announces New Dark Yellow Line Between My Fly and the Urinal
BERKELEY, Calif. – This weekend Bay Area Rapid Transit published blueprints for a new railway to supplement the five existing routes. Christened the “Dark Yellow” …