Take it from me kids, crime does not pay. No matter how many cars I ticket or unhoused people I harass, I’m stuck in this …
Some Much Needed Reform: Oski No Longer Has Veto Power Over the ASUC Senate
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following a contentious vote, the totalled tallies on Friday evening signified a shocking victory for reform-advocates on campus; in an overwhelming 65% …
LinkedIn Premium Introduces Feature to Subtract Connections
“We’ve been, essentially, blind to an entire market,” explained CEO Ryan Roslansky. “The mistake has been our own – why the fixation on a world of infinite connectivity? Instead, we can take the panopticon of infinite connectivity and upcharge a means of escape. That is to say, we’re offering our antisocial clientele an ability to ‘pay-not-to-play,’ and to unilaterally sever connections.”
OPINION: There is a Man in Your Room
There is no denying the facts: there is a man in your room. He’s standing over there, right where you usually leave your pile of laundry on your desk chair. Maybe you’re rubbing your eyes wondering if he’s real. He is. Very. He’s about 6’1, slender, and yeah, he’s wearing a tophat. He’s fucking stylish.
We’ve been hard at work formulating the perfect drug. Benadryl™ has been packaged in syrups, creams, chewable tablets, and a wide variety of over-the-counter deliriants. Now, in response to popular demand, we’ve begun adding extra diphenhydramine to each dosage of Benadryl™, the perfect amount to recognize that There Is A Man In Your Room. He Is Next To The Door. Don’t Look At Him.
Trump Charged With 34 Felonies. To Find Out More Search ‘Trump Rule 34’
The remainder of the reporting is unavailable at this moment. To find out more, please search “Donald Trump Rule 34.”
Another Weirdo Peddling Their Agenda on Sproul: the Girl Scouts are Back!
BERKELEY, Calif. – Doomsday preachers, consulting-club donut-salesmen, and moralist demagogues all tremble upon the appearance of the ultimate uniformed, jack-booted thugs. Brace yourselves: the Girl Scouts are back.
Classmate Using Copious Amount of Buzzwords Actually Swarm of Bees in Suit
Rising to the press podium, emeritus Professor Gordon Frankie divulged the chief attribute revealing Waxman to be a swarm of bees: their fondness for buzzwords.
“Waxman’s fatal flaw is that their classmate caught on to their penchant for buzzwords. Sure, every Berkeley student falls back on ‘discourse’ and ‘dichotomy’ once in a while, but Waxman’s use was egregious; who says ‘Honey, I’m combing through your beeliefs, and (h)I’ve got to tell you, there’s not one argument for being pro-polis.’”
Academy Award for Best Actor Goes to Me, Pretending to Have Done the Reading for Today’s Section
“It is my sublime personal pleasure,” Yang articulated, “to present this award for Best Actor to the student who gave the most convincing performance in their role as, ‘Person Who Read the Assigned Pages for Class Today.’ The award goes to… Tohar Zamir!”
‘Now Let’s Take a Silly One!’ Says GSI Immediately Following Midterm
BERKELEY, Calif. – Beleaguered students had their spirits lifted Friday as their CS 61b GSI, Gray D. Naughton, announced a make-up midterm opportunity immediately following …
GBC Now Offering Marc Fisher’s Hard Lemonade
Traveling the slopes of Grizzly Peak and the rugged valleys of Strawberry Canyon, Marc Fisher has been searching for the most delectable lemons to create premium, top-shelf hard lemonade.