Hey babe, I saw the rant you posted to your finsta story, and I had no idea you thought I was gaslighting you. The truth …
Supply Chain in Crisis After My Friend’s Fake Got Folded
BERKELEY, Calif.–In an unprecedented shock to the undergrad economy, the goody-two-shoes bouncer at Cornerstone folded my friend’s fake. “The ramifications for the free trade of …
Evans Demolished to Make Way for Mega Yali’s
BERKELEY, Calif.— The University of California announced this week forthcoming plans to raze the LEGO set with only puke colored pieces known as Evans Hall, …
Scavenger Hunt! Can You Find Where We Hid The Bodies?
Welcome back to campus, bears! In light of tours, orientations, and events that have returned alongside our vibrant student body, we’ve decided to host our …
Carol Christ Throws It Back
BERKELEY, Calif. — In an unprecedented turn of precedented events, Chancellor Christ has announced that classes will be online for the first two weeks of …
Supreme Court Possibly Rules Pro-Anti-Abortion, or Something Like That
WASHINGTON — In a landmark case undecided earlier today, the Supreme Court did nothing. Their indecision to be indifferent towards abortion clinics while ignoring the …
BP Celebrates Hanukkah With Festive Oil Spill
LONDON – This week, Jewish people around the globe finally ignited the candle-filled Hanukkiahs they keep year-long beneath the sink (behind the Clorox and the …
Fuck, There Went All Our “We Lost” Jokes
STANFORD, Calif.- Despite the best efforts of the Stanford Football Team and COVID-19, somehow the Bears clutched a narrow 41-11 victory this weekend. “I just …
OPINION: “Midterm Season” Is a Scam Created by Big Academia to Sell More Exams
As temperatures plummet and the trees on Sproul grow as barren as my social calendar, I know that the seasons have changed. In fact, I …
Alarming Number of Students Robbed by Someone Other Than Financial Aid Office
BERKELEY, Calif. – Students and faculty alike were shocked last week as students were bombarded with several UCPD alerts detailing armed robberies and grand-theft gasoline. …