WASHINGTON — In a landmark case undecided earlier today, the Supreme Court did nothing. Their indecision to be indifferent towards abortion clinics while ignoring the heartbeat law neither confirms nor denies a woman’s choice or lack of choice in a verdict that is neither a victory nor a loss for neither Texas state officials nor women’s healthcare clinics.

“We just wanted to play mysterious and hard to get,” Chief Justice John Roberts stated on behalf of the court. “We can’t just be like the other courts with their clear verdicts. We want to leave something to mystery. You’ve really got to WORK to hear our opinion! I mean what do you want us to be, Mexico’s Supreme Court, with their clear rulings on the legality of abortion? Don’t be ridiculous, buy a tribunal of 9 judges some dinner first before you try to pick apart our whole opinion! But first and foremost, the court hates drama, and we really didn’t want to get involved in Texas’s drama.”

President Biden has criticized the court’s decision.

“I am very concerned about the Court’s decision,” Biden stated in an official beeswax cylinder recording of him giving a speech. “I don’t care if that’s an ‘unpopular opinion’ or ‘brave.’ I said what I said. It is high time that the courts made this ruling and finally decided the issue of whether states can secede from the Union.”

Upon an aide’s comment that the court was not referring to 1830’s Jacksonian politics, Biden paused for a moment before continuing, “Okay Jack–the thing is, when you think about it, don’t skip a beat man! We gotta defeat Donald Trump!”

Political science students at UC Berkeley have expressed concern at the lack of direction from both the courts and the executive. 

“I’m totally lost. So nobody’s made any decisions? What am I even protesting??” sophomore Jack Monterey asked while carrying a large, ambivalent poster board-and-plywood sign as part of a student picket. “Just tell me if I’m supposed to celebrate! My head hurts…” 

When asked for insight as to the precedent set by the ruling, the SCOTUS press secretary merely threw a resigned shrug.


Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

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