BERKELEY, Calif. — Amid finals, local terrier Toaster Sanchez has become the only source of meaning in life for many students.
“I hate my major, I hate my parents for forcing me into it, and I hate the musical stylings of Bruno Mars for reasons I don’t have time to get into today,” junior MCB major Phil Quan explained. “But then I saw that glorious dog, his eyes full of wonder, his ears flopping in the wind. I was like that too, once, minus the ears part. Everything I do now, I do for him. Godspeed, little dog.”
People close to Toaster have yet to notice significant changes in his behavior.
“My little furbaby loves the attention!” Toaster’s owner, 35-year-old corporate defense attorney Melissa, reported. “Everybody is so nice to him when he’s just being himself. He gets to run around, eat grass till he pukes, then repeat the process until we have to leave — I think that’s why the college kids relate to him so much.”
Toaster, still unaware of his newfound fame, has made limited public comment.
“Bark,” Toaster told a group of heckin’ hooman reporterinos surrounding him. Toaster declined further comment, having been distracted by a squirrel.
At press time, Toaster was seen receiving the Campus Medal of Freedom for stealing a frisbee from some tool named Derek.