SUNNYVALE, Calif.– Facing pressure from a turbulent market and the increasing incidence of job-matching competitors, LinkedIn announced on Friday new income generating strategies. Capitalizing on what they’ve dubbed “anti-social work,” LinkedIn has revealed that their premium service will now include the ability to subtract connections. 

“We’ve been, essentially, blind to an entire market,” explained CEO Ryan Roslansky. “The mistake has been our own – why the fixation on a world of infinite connectivity? Instead, we can take the panopticon of infinite connectivity and upcharge a means of escape. That is to say, we’re offering our antisocial clientele an ability to ‘pay-not-to-play,’ and to unilaterally sever connections.” 

Roslansky, responding to a flurry of press questions, expounded on the unique aspects of a subtracting protocol. 

“This is more than just a blocking mechanism. No, this is subtracting connections. It’s a powerful way to communicate ‘hey, not only do I not want you to add me to your infinite list of connections, but I am in fact levying a cyber-restraining order.’ The uses are infinite. Someone from the consulting club you spent a semester in adds you? Just subtract them. Hell, I was going to save it for the next investors conference, but we were even planning a way to divide connections. Let’s say twenty people add you – we’re sitting on proprietary software to only let two of those people even see your account.” 

At press time, LinkedIn publicized that the cost of the service would be no more than $0.99/month, emphasizing that they “just want to help undo some of the harm they’ve done.”

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